Ugh, I'm a liar.

I hate how things are. Or can be.
I don't like that life will be so unbelievably great, and then for no reason at all,
I get down.
bummed.
sad.
whatever.

I know that it's completely normal to feel this way, and that I should be, but what is so normal about pain? Just knowing that I'm going to have to go through emotional pain before things get 100% better, and that it can't be stopped, well, sucks.

You have no idea how incredibly hard and nerve-wracking that night was for me. I smoked a cigarette just to get my hands to stop shaking. I went to his house afterwards because I knew the pot could calm me down even more than that. And that was the only way to do that. But goodbyes were unexpected and pleasant and a move in "the right direction."

I'm done with being sad, with waiting for time to heal wounds...

I feel like I don't even have the right to complain, because with how everything is going...things are actually good. School is good. Work is work. Friends I am meeting new ones. And things are going slow, as should be.

I just hate that I convince everyone and myself included that things are completely hunky-dory and then when I'm not strong enough to even go into a house without freaking out, I find that weak and pathetic. And I don't want to think that of myself.
It comes and goes. I'm sure I'll be feeling fine by tomorrow. I guess we shall see.